Broken

Simple as that.

Broken.

philessthanthree.

Perception

It is interesting when other people's perception about who you are or what you do is different from your own.

Who is right? Who is wrong? Does it matter?

When someone doesn't see me the way I see myself I'm immediately frustrated or confused. Can't they see my intentions? Haven't I already told them before what I'm trying to do? Or better yet, shouldn't they already know what I'm not trying to do?

I don't know, though. Too many things all at once makes for some convoluted thoughts.

I think probably the most aggravating part of it all is that when I really, truly, seriously think about it.. our perceptions match.

I am that selfish, unreasonable, demanding, controlling, stubborn, unchanging, horrible person. I don't really understand how I manage to have friends or people that want to share their lives with me. It's pretty amazing; why would anyone put up with that?

philessthanthree.

Backseat

Still, my camera is broken. And I am too cheap to buy a new one but I may just go ahead and spend the $1200 on the new Nikon D7000.

I wanted to start up writing this blog again about medical school and my experiences here, but I'm not sure if I'll ever get there because being in medical school is more than just about the classes, the books, the tests. (I apologize in advance because this post is probably going to be very poorly written! I'm just spilling some thoughts..)

Probably one of the most difficult things in life is when you are very passionate about something, very very passionate. And you share these passions with people who are very important to you, very very important. And the difficulty arises when your thoughts don't mean anything to that person, no matter how hard you try and no matter how important you are to that person. When it comes down to it, there is a reason it's my own thought or my own strong belief and why it's not someone else's. Everyone has their own beliefs and passions, and sometimes they are more important than your own. And that is something I have to learn to live with, to learn how to take backseat; to learn that what I believe in is not a priority. Except learning how to do that is pretty painful. You tell those people how important they are to you, and they tell you the same. You share so much together, you feel connected, you feel like you respect one another to the point where those passions are important. Yet no matter what you do, sometimes what you say will never be of importance to them; they will always forget it; they will never do anything different; they will disregard you and brush you aside like all of those conversations you had together had no meaning. It hurts to be pushed back there, into a place of resentment, into a place the other people are afraid to open because they will end up hating you.

Funny thing is, at least in a car, I always prefer backseat.

philessthanthree.

Empty

I wanted to cry. I really did. My grandparents telling me their last goodbyes, my mother cooking her last home-cooked meal for her son, my brother giving me his final lopsided haircut, his girlfriend's puffy lips and last ride to the airport, my cousin trying to hook me up with contacts but ended up giving me the wrong prescription, my uncle's gift and hug, my aunt's picture frames, my father's strange decision not to leave early for the airport, my sister's final call. On top of all that, of course there was you and how empty and hurt I felt, and how bad that ended up making you feel about yourself.

It's a new slate now... just like my room with its sole sleeping bag and two cardboard boxes serving as a desk and end table. It is empty like the lack of a photograph for my writing; empty like the pizza boxes a good small-town family bought for their son and his new roommate; empty like the bottles and glasses we shared at Fergie's Pub.

Things that rise can fall. Things that run can stop. Things that are empty can be filled. Whether it takes a day, a week, a month, or even four years... I'll raise this empty blog, room, heart, mind, and glass to a whole and full future.

philessthanthree.

Black And White

From color to shades of grey. It's the only way I can post this picture up. And I guess you could say we're kind of black and white, like the flipsides of the coins we waste on parking meters.

*canon, nikon

*girl, boy

*skinny, chubs (me of course)

*white, viet

...those are some pretty bad examples, especially that last one.. Haha. But hey, somehow this supposedly mundane black and white can come together and bring so much color to my life. And you're really the one to thank for that. Thanks for lighting my day, warming my night, and adding drops of color into my once dark and cloudy skies. Most of all, thanks for putting up with me, my brattiness, my "BS", and my selfishness.


My selfish side is going to have to wait a bit though.

I told you that one day feels like an eternity for me.. and I guess I'll have to go through 23 days of eternity.

..but you'll be okay though, 'cause I don't phase you, right?

philessthanthree.

Social

So I've been playing The Sims a lot lately. It's a fun, interesting game with status bars that indicate the needs of your characters. They have this Social bar that goes down when you don't talk to anyone and just sit at home all day long.. which is basically what I do.

Someone helped me lift that bar back up today, albeit through the wonders of emo guitar and emo singing.

It was worth it, though. Thank you.

philessthanthree.

Circle

There are certain things I would like you to know, but no matter how much I voice it you'll never understand.

It's like a circle that we spin round in for eternity. Except it's more like a circle with holes in it, for all of the times I disappear from the face of this Earth. But I guess it's my fault that it is so hard for me to find a place in your life. I come and go, come and go. I don't know why I can't just stay put and enjoy each and every moment; I don't know why I have to run. I wish we could stand still, with our arms making circles round one another with the hue of a circular golden star shining down on the endless marriage of fresh and sea water.

Yours seems like the tracks of a train whizzing by me. Mine is a spotty, broken rope that won't rescue me, or anyone at all. Or maybe I'm just an emo kid. Though I'd prefer to phrase it as someone that wishes so dearly to be in your life and yet can't seem to hop on because of other folks... or maybe it's just me.

philessthanthree.